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Aug. 7th, 2008 @ 04:16 pm (no subject)
Current Music: Sugarland - Very Last Country Song
Wow, what a great song.

*but if life stayed the way it was
and lovers never fell out of love
if memories didn't last so long
if no body did no body wrong
If we knew what we had
before it was gone
If every road lead back home
This would be the very last country song*

It definitely puts me in a particular frame of mind. A state of reminiscence.

My boyfriend comes back from Portlan, OR today. A part of me is stoked. The reality I'm still trying to swallow is, a greater part of me is without care. I've had a freaking blash since he's been gone. Hanging out with my friends, going out, midnite walks in the park, spur of the moment lunches, a lot of laughing without acting interested. I guess the biggest thing I've realized is I'm not his priority. I've talked to him twice in the ten days he's been gone. I told him that from the beginning of his trip. Its your trip, I'm not going to interrupt you, so you call me whenever you want. Was I out of mind once out of sight? I just anticipated a bit more from someone who said they'd spend the rest of their life with me.
Expectations. Meh.

Anyway, the financial front for school is looking stinking fabulous....oh wait, I forgot to add the sarcasm to that before baking. $0 of Federal Aide. $0. I make too much money. yet, I can barely keep my bills paid. But whatever, if I had a freaking child, they would pay me to go to school. But I can't adopt one because I'm gay and don't make enough money...but I'm not bitter.
Also, Ivy Tech had a special flood relief fund for students affected by the event. I applied for that however I didn't get any of it because I wasn't enrolled in any classes at the time. Enrolled for the fall, yes, but since my classes had to yet to start...Ashley didnt have to pay for the classes she withdrew from because she received flood assistance from the school. Her house wasn't flooded! She couldn't make it home for two days, because the roads were, but her house was fine! Now if I get denied for student loans...i'll probably just go ahead and hang myself...and others.


And work throughly blows. I've been with Columbia Sportswear for over two months now and the company itself is great. However the manager we have at the store is a total donkey fucker. He promised us so much free reign on everything. Ashley and I would be running the store whilst he did all the boring reports and entered numbers and so forth. Mine and Ashley's jobs were the fun aspect of the team...Ha! Everytime we try to do something, or attempt to take an authoratative stand, we are either undermined or told how he would have handled the situation. It's gotten to the point, I have no idea what my job is. I close down the store or open it. That's all I do. Because when it comes to managing the store he is bi polar. Plus I've worked there two months and my direct deposit still hasn't kicked in. I even set it up the first day we were there.

AARGH again.

Then there's age. I am feeling older. I am looking older. I compare photos of now and then. I get depressed, because I'm very unhappy with the way I look. Like, not just thing exercise can do. I've taken scrutiny of my physical appearance to astronomical heights. I don't mean to, but it's just happened. Extreme highs and lows in that department. So I've been tanning again, and went and got some blonde in my hair today, big confidence boost right there! Again, I have sexy hair ;-)

But despite all of this, I persevere.

The new Sugarland album is FANTASTICAL! "It Happens" is the home to my newest mantra "let go laughing." Plus it's just a fun song about not taking life or yourself too seriously. Which is usually what helps alleviate the aforementioned stressor. Then there's Genevieve. Wow, what an awesome song. Rounding out the triumvirate would be "Take Me As I Am." I love the emotional bombast level she acheives on the last chrous of the song. I ain't sayin I'm perfect, but I promise I'm worth it. Yeah, it's like that.

Also really like Darius Rucker's (yes, from Hootie fame) new country song, "Don't Think I Don't Think About It." Good stuff. I've always loved his voice, anyway.

Anyway, thats a quick recap. gonna go to the gym and release some endorphins.
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